In an effort to honest...

... with my blog. I am hating everything about the wedding right now. I want it to be over with. I am feeling alone and overwhelmed, which I am told is my fault for not accepting more help. I am afraid to accept help as people in my life have a habit of letting me down. The perfect example is... none of them read this blog, that's partly why I feel safe writing it. I also write to satisfy my need to relax, spill out my feelings and organize my thoughts. A lot of time I avoid anything dark, depressing or mean on this blog, because weddings are suppose to be happy and my passive aggressive behaviour leaves few people aware of how desperately they've hurt me or how truly disappointed I am doing everything alone.

Ironically I don't typically realize how much I am doing alone until a stranger asks... 'why are you doing that?' or 'who's going with you to that?' or 'do you mind going alone?' at those moments I realize how much I wish I had a sister or a girlfriend that truly understood how I tick. Someone that would know when I have taken on too much, someone who would know I need them without me having to ask... someone who would understand how completely devastated I am when things don't work out. I smile and joke, but my heart breaks every time I have to give up something I thought of as 'magical'.

I realize more and more... I put up walls. I am drowning in fear and exhaustion, but the walls hide that from those around me. I don't want to plan anymore, be accountable or responsible. I don't want to worry, stress and contemplate little things that never used to matter, but are now life shattering.

I want to be happy again... excited and optimistic about my life... genuinely, which I am not. I have too much going on and no where to lean.

I'm tired.

I would rather sleep than do anything else and I use every wish to fast forward jump ahead to when I can be irresponsible again; when I don't have to be the only adult in the room.

As expected I am not asking for help, whining or crying... just venting.

And even with all the stress, pain and exhaustion. I want to marry Richard. I want to marry Richard and live happily ever after (which I believe we will). He is my best friend and no matter how amazing he is... he is not a girlfriend and I can't share every detail with him, even though I have tried.

Wish my luck tonight as I embark on the BIGGEST wedding feat so far... the Stag & Doe. I hope it works, because I can't ever imagine doing it again.

Love!